Monday, December 16, 2013

When I grow up...

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I have never known what I wanted to "be" or do. Things have just always fallen into place. I have always put boys ahead of everything else, so I have always moved a little slower. For example, I spent so much time with my first boyfriend, I hardly had any time for school. I actually flunked a class because I would miss class to be fighting with him. It was awful. Both the flunking and the fighting. (YES, I ACTUALLY DID NOT DO WELL IN A CLASS. However, that's not the point...)

Despite all this, I like to think of having put men first as meaningful detours because I was able to accomplish and learn some beautiful things in light of those circumstances. I would not take any moment of my life back. I am where I am because of the circumstances that have led me here and I like who I am, and what I know.

On account of certain circumstances with my first boyfriend, I was able to meet Jason. A little boy who had autism. He was beautiful, inside and out. He taught me how to be a teacher. He is the reason I am in San Francisco. Jason learned to speak as we worked together. He let me in and we were changed in the process. It was nothing short of miraculous and beautiful. My experience with Jason's language acquisition and my role in that is why I am fascinated with child development, specifically language. I learned how integral and amazing the gift of language is. The fact that I can communicate my thoughts to whomever reads this blog is so cool. Or how authors such as Michael Pollan and Stuart Brown are able get me thinking about nutrition and play is so phenomenal. I thank God for that everyday. How other people can share their perspectives to influence the perspectives of others, that's pretty incredible. Anyway, obviously, I love words.

Also because of my current (second/last) ex-boyfriend and also because of certain circumstances, I was able to study environmental sustainability. I was also exposed to things about nutrition and the environment that I had no idea I innately believed and now had words for. I can now tell you what to read to help yourself be a more environmentally conscious person. I can now tell you what to read in order to learn more about food and how we can help ourselves and help the earth. Food, the earth, and nature are things I have learned to better articulate my beliefs around because of the circumstances surrounding my ex.

Back to the point: What do I want to be when I grow up?

Well, I want to have my own set of developments based on personal research.

Hooray! I finally have an answer to that question. Ok... so what now? What do I do now?

I want to own personal new and refined set of ideas based on things I have learned just through living. What does this mean? Ughh. I don't really know. As I was going through this process of thinking, I thought about the things that I am interested in and decided to start from there.

Things I am interested in and know a lot about:

-Children and autism: Physical and compositional brain development, language development, logical development, emotional development, social development, organization of sensorial stimuli.

-Nature/food: how to preserve our connection to it because it is the key to our development and survival.

Now I am stuck. I want to put these two together into something I do for a living!!! I need to figure out next steps. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013


I just recently started therapy. I thought I needed to talk to someone else about my never-ending break-up. I needed some fresh perspective.  I AM SO TIRED of crying over it. I just keep placing myself in the same situation. So, I went to therapy thinking it was going to be an easy, "I need to get over my ex-boyfriend. What do I do?" scenario. 

As it turns out, nothing is really that simple. Patterns of behavior and intimate relationship dynamics have to do with how you came to understand and respond to past experiences and early relationships with parents. I should have known this, I am a teacher! 

My favorite part of therapy is when I answer my own questions as I ask them... It reminds me of how humorous life is, and how stupid a person can be. For example, I asked my therapist "Why does he keep doing this to me?" Simultaneously, I heard in my head, "Oh, yeah... because you keep letting him... You keep putting your heart right where he is stepping." I tell myself he doesn't mean to. But, I don't know that. Anyway, I have to laugh at how stupid the question, "WHY DOES HE DO THIS TO ME?" is. I hear girls say that all the time and now I think they should go to therapy too. I want them to realize, like I did, that people can only hurt you if you let them. In essence, it is as if I am talking to a mirror that is not dirty. It is a clean mirror into my psyche.

Another thing I like about therapy is being asked the right questions so that I can put what I see in the mirror into perspective. Such as when I was asked, "What do you make of the attention-seeking relationship with your dad and how similar it is to the relationship you are in now?" I have to say, I spent the rest of the day crying over that one. I certainly was not aware that I have anxiety around abandonment and this desperate need to be heard and paid attention to. While this was painful, it was equally hilarious because I am not drawn to men who actually give me attention and I abandon relationships constantly or set myself up to be abandoned. Go figure. Why do people find, cling on to, or push the opposite of what they need?

I have come to understand therapy as this process of shedding skin. That depending on how deep the wounds are, that is how many layers need to be peeled back. The peeling doesn't feel very good. I feel like I am walking around with raw skin and I don't want anyone to touch me because it might hurt. It's an unexplainable dichotomy of being stronger and weaker at the same time. 

As long as I can restrain myself from texting my ex-boyfriend and then letting him come back as if things are cool after he disappears, I think I will be ok. The next time someone hears me say I am going to text my ex-boyfriend, I would like them to break my phone. ha ha. I hope this process of peeling helps me grow skin that is allergic to men who are careless with my heart.  

If there is anything I would like to pass on that I found valuable in my last session, it is this: the root of all suffering comes from untruths. Leave it to the Buddhists to say  something that makes sense.

Bring on the attention, I guess. Maybe it is time for a sweater that fits me better.