I just recently started therapy. I thought I needed to talk to someone else about my never-ending break-up. I needed some fresh perspective. I AM SO TIRED of crying over it. I just keep placing myself in the same situation. So, I went to therapy thinking it was going to be an easy, "I need to get over my ex-boyfriend. What do I do?" scenario.
As it turns out, nothing is really that simple. Patterns of behavior and intimate relationship dynamics have to do with how you came to understand and respond to past experiences and early relationships with parents. I should have known this, I am a teacher!
My favorite part of therapy is when I answer my own questions as I ask them... It reminds me of how humorous life is, and how stupid a person can be. For example, I asked my therapist "Why does he keep doing this to me?" Simultaneously, I heard in my head, "Oh, yeah... because you keep letting him... You keep putting your heart right where he is stepping." I tell myself he doesn't mean to. But, I don't know that. Anyway, I have to laugh at how stupid the question, "WHY DOES HE DO THIS TO ME?" is. I hear girls say that all the time and now I think they should go to therapy too. I want them to realize, like I did, that people can only hurt you if you let them. In essence, it is as if I am talking to a mirror that is not dirty. It is a clean mirror into my psyche.
Another thing I like about therapy is being asked the right questions so that I can put what I see in the mirror into perspective. Such as when I was asked, "What do you make of the attention-seeking relationship with your dad and how similar it is to the relationship you are in now?" I have to say, I spent the rest of the day crying over that one. I certainly was not aware that I have anxiety around abandonment and this desperate need to be heard and paid attention to. While this was painful, it was equally hilarious because I am not drawn to men who actually give me attention and I abandon relationships constantly or set myself up to be abandoned. Go figure. Why do people find, cling on to, or push the opposite of what they need?
I have come to understand therapy as this process of shedding skin. That depending on how deep the wounds are, that is how many layers need to be peeled back. The peeling doesn't feel very good. I feel like I am walking around with raw skin and I don't want anyone to touch me because it might hurt. It's an unexplainable dichotomy of being stronger and weaker at the same time.
As long as I can restrain myself from texting my ex-boyfriend and then letting him come back as if things are cool after he disappears, I think I will be ok. The next time someone hears me say I am going to text my ex-boyfriend, I would like them to break my phone. ha ha. I hope this process of peeling helps me grow skin that is allergic to men who are careless with my heart.
If there is anything I would like to pass on that I found valuable in my last session, it is this: the root of all suffering comes from untruths. Leave it to the Buddhists to say something that makes sense.
Bring on the attention, I guess. Maybe it is time for a sweater that fits me better.